it's like drawing a storybook

Meanwhile on the lost planet of fandingo prime nebula XVI (that's sixteen for you non roman numeral people out there) our hero was lost in the great ice forests of Sloshlandia. Our hero finds himself stuck with his feet frozen to the ceiling of a mammoth ice cave thinking, "well, shit this just takes the cake doesn't it?" Then our hero, brave Captain Omega Cromulus dies of exhaustion and exposure to cold frozenness. I mean, it's like 20,000 degrees below martian zero (that's twenty degrees above our zero, but it doesn't really matter when it's gone that far below it really so there is no real point in clarifying it) and our hero is no superman and thusly has perished. Can you blame him really? He's just a human being, fuck. Don't put all your space eggs in one space blanket. I love how you can make anything sound futuristic and cool by putting space in front of it, but I digress. I blame the ineffective uniform of the intergalactic space federation 2907. Sure, it looks super rad and neato with its epaulets and cool beaded curtain capes, but it doesn't really protect you from the harsh environments found on may planets throughout the galaxy. Which you think would be one of the main usages of such a uniform for an intergalactic space federation protective fighting force hell bent on the protection and serving of 900 million space planets. The space future!!!!!!
What a great idea for a story. Of course maybe in the final draft the hero will defeat the evil overlord Don Quixotic Beard 456723149087 with a blast from his protecto ray and thus saving the entire universe and his awesomely hot girlfriend instead of freezing to death and ending up like a bloated space popsicle only Space Jeffrey Dahmer could want on a mammoth ice cave ceiling. Yeah, maybe I should keep working on it.

Returns to drawing board with a fervor not seen in five blog entries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comes back with fervor in tact but just noted down for future reference. Hooray.

So, my album is finished and by finished I mean fucking finished. I just mastered it a couple of days ago. All I need is to do the cover photo and post it to iTunes and it will be available for everyone's listening enjoyment. Yay for technology, oh how I love thee.

Three times he tried to make it work and three times he just couldn't get past that final boss and now he is stuck with broken thumbs and a withered heart. No joy in life and no will to continue. He needs new reason, he needs a purpose. In comes the marching band of whores wearing uniforms made of american cheese. Of course it's american cheese, the marching band was invented in america. Just like the wheel, conspiracy theories, and the silly notion that people have the right to say what they feel without fear of persecution. Fucking bloggers and their silly ideas of free speech to the world. Oh, look at me and how my opinion matters. Please visit my blogsite so my adsense will pay me two cents, but if enough people go to my page then I make enough money to pay my rent on just sitting at a fucking computer typing out my hopes and dreams that will never come to fruition because I'm really just a mooching lazy bum who plays world of warcraft all day and needs a way to make money and pay for my WoW habits whilst still playing WoW. God bless america and everyone of us.

Warning: this blog entry is kinda weird compared to the other ones: @*#!*@!

If a band plays in Japan, do dinosaurs still need appendices to to make their point or are they just beyond that? If I had to make a guess I would say that I really like the word appendices. It's a good one. Right up there with copious. That's right, it's one of those words. Use it, I dare you. If you have the chromosomes. Recently a famous mime died. Can you name that mime? Yes, you in the back with the cloak and dagger and shiny red eyes. No, it was not Mikhail Gorbachev, but good guess. It was after all, Gandhi. Yup, definitely him and no one else. I am completely right and if anyone puts that I am wrong about this in a comment on this blog I will send them nasty email vibes, like the kind you get in a grocery store in a can next to the voodoo. Scary shit, huh? Speaking of scary shit I am so totally psyched about halloween coming soon. It is my favorite holiday. Being the complete and utter opposite of christmas. And I hate christmas, I hate it so much in fact that when I type it out I don't capitalize it to show my complete and utter distaste for it and how I think it is a lying sack of shit that should be taken out back and beat with a sack full of doorknobs. george w. bush.
My friends have this bet, who is gonna get an operation to become a super-hero first. I think it's gonna be wilt chamberlain, but he is kind of one already. So, maybe it is gonna be some guy in Iowa who is tired of playing world of warcraft and is bored by the repetition of doing the same shit over and over again just to be able to brag about how their mount kicks ass or that they are level seventy. Mayhaps his superpower will be having a fucking organic life that contributes to society instead of leeching off of it and living in some retarded useless digital realm that can be destroyed with the pull of a plug and a spilt cup of coffee.
Two men enter the bachelor arena of doom and only one comes out the victor. The other is covered in some kind of cheese sauce and everyone is wondering if they just saw the gayest thing they have ever seen. The groom begins to questions if he wants to have a guy who can win at such a battle as his best man or if he is better off just using the guy who lives in the alley behind his apartment who continually screams to god about how jesus owes him twenty bucks from a pai gow tournament and he needs it back like ASAP because he has got a date tonight and needs the money for the nice italian dinner or else he won't get laid and he really needs it to let off some steam so he can focus at work because it is getting really hard, no pun intended, even while he sleeps. Which is the amazing part.
Parentheses are useful tools for making a more complete and informative point, but are lost on those who do not go gentle into that good night through the valley of panamanian were-rabbits.
Maybe one day when the world's population all have superpowers they will be completely useless powers, but when we are work together as one we can rid the universe of the evil omicron makeshift words into sentences that make funny laugh time goodtimes was a television show that many people watched and enjoyed in the beginnings of television in the year 2929 where we all knew of the future past donuts and nothing was baked fresh daily.
If you have two birds in your hand put them back in the bush, that's cruel, what they do to you?

downloading the power of satan into a russian ceramic dish set...

Maybe I can understand the power of my brain if I use the whole thing instead of just ten percent. That's it. That's the key to life. It's not forty two or run on sentences that force the reader to continue thinking because they have realized that the thought they are experiencing isn't finished yet which is frightening to them because they have the attention span of a nanosecond due to the instant coffee one hour photo instant gratification lifestyle of the good ol' US of A. It's just using the full potential of that fat slab of grey matter between your ears that is three feet above your ass and isn't your hairpiece that was made in the swiss alps by snow bunnies. And by snow bunnies I mean actual rabbits that live in a wintry environment and not slutty bimbo chicks. Although, who could complain about either? Both are cute cuddly and only good for one thing. Novelty candy manufacturing. Maybe in a perfect world where I don't make incorrect movie references(Yes, I am still thinking about that, thank you very much) I can begin to understand the ability within me. Then when I have enough time in the god damn day to finish all I set out to do in that single twenty four hour period I can rule the world with an iron skillet I fry tofu in with eggplant and some garlic and olive oil. That sounds good. I should really cook more complexly for myself. Another thing I have to learn!!!!!!!!!!! Where in the almighty effing hell did I get this idea that I could begin to do everything I set out to do? It's like my parents raised me with the idea that if I set my mind to it I can do anything. Shit me out on a cracker and call it pate. I feel like a fit of laughter after it's over. You know that feeling? The one of longing and wonder. The longing for what you feel like you are missing and the wonder of how it will never most likely in all chances in hell happen and how you can find something that is at least semi good enough to take your mind off of it. Whoa, that was not on subject at all. That is one of those sentences that is going to get me a phone call about if I am okay or not. HINT HINT.
Two rabbits are walking through a field of strawberries and they are talking the usual things rabbits talk about. Life, love, taxes, and how to call upon satan for magical powers and useful hand tools to make small wooden objects with more easily without one of those pesky "contracts" for their souls. One is named Carl and the other is named %%(#*#*$&*&%$fivetwosixnineeightbennytomsixsixsixsplecstein, or paul for short as his junior high schoolmates used to call him. In high school he was known as shitstaincriesforhismomlikeabitch. He didn't much care for that nickname so he went by the one from previous years of his life, you know, the ones he enjoyed and didn't cry himself to sleep every night trying to figure out a way to get a fucking lemonade without having to sing sitting on the dock of the bay with his pants down in front of the varsity cheerleading squad while they cheered and spelled out dip-shit for the whole fucking school. So, Carl and "Paul" and walking along and "Paul" tells Carl that he has ebola and is dying from it, as if the vomiting black shit that is actually his insides decomposing and spilling out his mouth wasn't obvious enough, and Carl is now most likely infected and will be suffering a most horribly painful death as well that could have been easily avoided if he had just paid that parking ticket he got in 1986. The moral of this story is simple. If you don't see it I can't help you. If you really want to know just ask the guy with ebola who lives next door to you. It's true, one in three people in america has ebola and the funny part is that they got it from making sandwiches with mayonnaise. Tell all your friends.

Two days until the day after tomorrow is twelve days from now

Maybe you should stand up. Maybe I shouldn't think about buying chicken and thinking "What the fuck did I buy this for" I don't eat meat." Maybe it has something to do with my family. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are reading this and I typed it is gonna cause the end of the world. What if I am the guy who ends it all? What if I am the person who inexplicably and unexpectedly brings about the total destruction of the earth? There could be people in the future who are waiting for the end of the world and are planning to travel back in time to stop me by any means necessary to keep the earth from being destroyed and completely ruining their chances of finally asking out that one girl who seems really nice but they weren't sure if she would be into them and therefore never really said anything. That would be really weird. This coming from a guy who builds dioramas in his bedroom and films plastic dinosaur figures he bought at target to make a stop motion movie. I found this great site online for e-cards and one of them has a picture of OJ Simpson on it and the line for it says "I am going to kill you." I think that is hilarious and don't care if it sends me to hell, but I am gonna send it to someone sometime soon. So, watch out friends of mine for you may be the one who soon gets an electronic letter from me with a non serious death threat in it. Oh, won't that be fun!(unexplained exclamation points) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the future we are gonna wear hats that show movie trailers of our favorite films. I have a fog on my brain form thinking way too much lately. Having twelve thousand thoughts on the brain is like making a paper mache horse, filling it full of candy, and never breaking it open with a bat that you are swinging about blindfolded putting others who are watching you in your futility in serious danger of a concussion or at the very least the loss of sight in one eye.
Twelve days ago I realized my obsession with the number twelve. Hence my use of it over twelve times so far in this blog. Shampoo. I just realized that I made a joke that only few people will know. Two of which(not twelve, HAHAHA! Take that!) will not most likely ever read this blog.
Two guys walk into a bar and order drinks. SOmebody yells at them and they tell the guy to shut the fuck up they are trying to drink for Christ's sake. THe guy who yelled pulls out a knife and stabs one of the guys. The other holds his friend while he bleeds to death on the bar floor. That wasn't a joke in any way. Just a horribly lame and tragic story. It started out as something that most people would think is going to be a joke, but instead I turned it around and made it into something else. Good for me. dAVE, the joke re-mixer. I turn jokes into tragedies. I make you cry when all you wanna do is laugh. Or is that me all the time on the inside where no one can see? Weird. Maybe you should buy some new drapes and just go crazy with the motherfuckers. Don't even put them on your windows. Put one on like a cape and use the other to catch invisible hamsters that are the size of ostriches. At least ell people that is what you are doing when they ask you why the fuck you wandering around with a drape on you like a cape and the other in your hands like you are teasing a raging bull. The Kevin Costner movie, not the animal. That would be cruel. Of course, what is more cruel, forcing an animal to be teased and taunted and shot with small spears or forcing the american public to watch another god damn Kevin Costner movie. Waterworld sucked enough for three generations of movie-goers.
BEHOLD!!!!!!!!!! The tales of TWELVE generations of mighty coffee makers who wore hats made of yarn in a place that used fire to roast beans. Man, were they stupid. This has gone on long enough they would say. How can we make coffee in yarn hats and yet not catch fire like every five fucking seconds. It's always one of us running around going I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Then we gotta stop making coffee and put somebody out again. It's really fucking annoying. That was from the plant managers point of view. That would be a very frustrating job. Being the idiot in charge of the idiots wearing hats made of yarn while using a flame-throwers made of candy canes. Didn't I mention that? Well, fuck shit fuck ass fuck swearing for the sake of sake drinking fish name ted feaslesticks.

Well, fuck, I think I'm done. Long winded enough for you this time?

on the verge of building an empire of thorn-ed demon slaying demon accordions!!!

If blogging were an Escher painting I would make mine have polka dots and sell hot dogs to refugees. I mean that in the most politically correct possible of course. You can't be too careful these days. It is an election year in the lower east equator and I am looking to continue my reign as most supreme awesome maker of cheese sculptures. Do you think in other countries people try to think about what it is like in other countries? Too bad there is no way to find out. What we need as a race is to develop a system of these things called computers(magic newfangled machines that talk in numbers) and connect them to each other of this massive "network" allowing them to share information with each other and thusly giving us access to so much that all we can do with it is watch porn since we have no real idea of how to use it fully. That would be amazing. Imagine what that would be like. I could type something into one of them "computers"(see earlier parentheses) and "post" these here thoughts onto said "network" and people everywhere could read it and worry about me and ask me if I'm okay the next day. What a sweet world that would be. We could call it the internet and Al Gore could tour the world with Gary Gygax claiming he invented and protects the space time continuum. What an amazing world indeed.
I just thought of puppies in Star Trek. You never see them. What the fuck? They are cute and useful to make someone appear innocent until they suddenly turn into a giant space donut laser beast with fangs of obliterarium! Why didn't any bad guy ever think of that? Seriously. That would have been motherfucking sweet to be exact.

*Pauses to check on laundry drying.

*Returning with a new fervor!

Maybe we should invent a pizza that does math and surfs the internet while you eat it. Pus it gives you stock quotes or essential nutrients. But, only one. You gotta pay extra to get both. You can't give away too much. Come to think of it they probably already have that in Japan. I bet if we debuted it here in the USA(Merica! FUCK YEAH!!!) the Japanese would laugh at us and mock us because they already had that in the 80's while we were busy thinking Colecovision was that bomb ass diggity shit. My text editor thinks I have a billion spelling errors right now because of all of my colloquialisms, but I know it is wrong and I am actually spelling those words correctly since they are not actually words and I am making them up as I go along here. Much like the rest of this blog. But, the moral of this story kids is that drugs are bad and no one should force bats to fly at night just to see what happens. That's wrong. Would you want someone to burn your house down and pour fire ants on you to see if the fire fuels some kind of super rage that turns them into an army of super fire army ants? No, no one would and if you do then you have more problems that just catching bats. Stay safe and don't start a nuclear power system unless you want the United States(Merica! FUCK YEAH!!!) Navy in your surrounding seas ready to disable your entire military no matter what the collateral damage may be. Peace.

Broken threads make for paused movie

It was this night I tell you that I noticed it. It was this moment that I knew there was nothing I could do about it. At this exact spot on the ever continuing timeline of this universe was the moment I realized it. Maybe if I hadn't missed it then everything would be different. If I had the chance to recognize what was happening around me then I could have seen a better way. But, now all I think of is what happened that night and why I did what I did. I'll never forgive myself. Wow, that kinda sounds like the weird voiceover to a shitty movie about time travel and teen angst. Or as I like to call it, teen time angst travel. It's more cuddly and marketable that way. Saying it that way makes you think of teddy bears and lions eating the brains of children dyed blue. Or maybe I just think about that all the time anyways. Stay out of my dreams, they are mine for a reason. I drank enough to cause them, so there is no reason you should benefit from them. Jem! Jem is her name, she is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. It's the things we don't get to keep that make us go, fuck I wish I still had that vampire who needed directions standing in the rain in front of my car on a dark deserted highway in Iowa. Well, of course it would be at night since it's a vampire for fuck's sake. And it raining makes it all the more creepy and dramatic. I find movies are far more interesting when they involve dead appliances come back to seek vengeance on those that hunted and killed them in a park for a comedy sketch. That would make a great fucking movie. The discarded props of a sketch comedy troupe come to life to wreak havoc on the lives of those who used them and so callously threw them in the trash when they were still perfectly good thus negating their usefulness. I also love run on sentences. Maybe you have noticed this. Maybe you have also noticed that none of my pictures show me with very much facial hair. That's because I am currently protesting the persecution of shaving cream research and development departments by shaving regularly without any shaving gel. Thus showing they don't need to be locked up so cruelly and only allowed fifteen minutes a day to play with their electric train sets and then being forced the rest of the day without sleep being pumped full of redbull to create a shaving gel that can work with a razor that has fifteen blades. If we all do this we can end their needless suffering. So, please, save a whale and don't buy used cars from 1987-1997 with rust marks on the front driver side fenders. Thank you and please continue to read this sentence as I have not finished thinking out loud in this blog yet. Oh wait, yes I have.

brain tired, must sleep

I just finished setting up all of the tracks of my solo record for mixing. Now they are ready to be mixed, which hopefully should not take long. I am very excited about this moment. For a time it seemed like it would never come, but now it is here and I am so happy I will do the dance of joy! Just kidding, I will dance later when my brain is not so tired from working and thinking. I decided to keep going with this whole "human being" thing to try and make a simple life for myself. Never did I ever expect to be keeping track of which synth is plugged into which auxiliary input. AAHHH! I knew I should have become a grizzly bear in the wilds of Alaska when that guy gave me the chance. He won't be back around to this part of the galaxy until well after I'm dead. Maybe I should have taken the immortal ball of gas option instead? Oh well, I've got my towel and am ready to travel the universe, no matter what it may throw at me from the mind of Douglas Adams. I've read up and am prepared for whatever comes my way. Unless it involves a drain clogged with hair. That's gross. Or the sound of cardboard rubbing against cardboard. That kills me every time. Ew, gross. Maybe one day I will get around to writing that song.


Two men enter...One man leaves crying for mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It was two o'clock in the morning. That's AM to you abbreviation folk. It was cloudy and hazy with dust in the air all at the same time. That's when HE walked up to me. The man who knew too much and nothing at all. The man who saw it all from the beginning and has already seen the end. He told me, it sucks. Totally leaves it open for a sequel. The man I speak of, is none other than someone who's name currently escapes me. Man, doesn't that suck? When you get all tired from working all day and then trying to use your brain for artistic purposes. Then you start thinking to yourself "what am I doing with this waffle iron?" and "why am I still writing this?" I promise the next one will be more interesting for any of you who may read this. Sorry.

waiting for lightning to strike

I have been thinking so much lately. I think I need a break. I am very happy to announce that I have finished the writing of my first debut full length record. Applause and salutations may begin........ now. Thank you, you are too kind. I am very happy about how it all has come out. Now, I am on to mixing it, which shouldn't take too long. Then I can put it up on iTunes for the whole world to have. I am very excited about how it came out. I am even a little surprised myself, actually. I am very pleased with the final results. Once I mix and master it I will have what I believe to be a fantastic work. It seems like only a year ago I started this whole thing. Wait a minute, it was. It is hard to believe it, but it really has been in the works that long. Once it is fully complete and for sale I will most definitely have to celebrate. Hopefully that moment will coincide with my moving into a new home with a fabulous roommate. I can only shudder at the shear magnitude of the celebrations that will occur. My goodness. It will be like the time I never went to mexico to watch a dog eat a pig. Man, that never happened. Surely one of the greatest moments of my life. Instead of hoping for the future I am going to hope for the past. Hope that others remember it as wonderful as I do. I can only hope I guess. With historians as they are who knows how our world will be remembered. Will it be as we all dream ourselves to be, the way others see us, or they way we really are? I hope for the way we all can possibly turn out to be. That way seems to be the best. Maybe I should stop using hope and move on to more practical ways of using my brain. Like for believing everything I am told by masses of others doing the same. That seems to work out for those other blissfully ignorant folk. Well, appearances can't be everything. Let's hope for rain, so when we get the sun it is delightfully accepted and the dark skies can be missed. Maybe we need a big hug so as to make the world's largest brown bear sandwich. One full of ostrich feathers and jello. May-haps I can get a maiden for a fortnight to share the evenings of yesteryear with. Or maybe I can use the internet to get what my name would be if I was an alien. That seems like a much better use of my time. Fuck world peace and total understanding of the human condition. Let's look at kittens in coffee cups. To know thyself is to know thy is no longer used in the common vernacular. So, you'll have to update the language to get the message out to these crazy kids called "the future of mankind and leaders of the next generation." All I have to say is holy shit are we in trouble if certain people get into power. Mainly I am talking about those guys who make paper hats out their own pants. I mean, that's not even paper to begin with. How the fuck do they do that? There has got to be some trick to it. One day I will figure it out and spread the word of holy glory to the masses. "Then a man of light led his children to freedom on the head of a bloody spear." I'll leave you with that horribly misquoted text from television.

vegan ice cream I love you

So, today I was extremely creative and almost finished my new record. I am very proud of myself. It was as if I was on a music creation rampage and not the kind that turns you into a raging mutant bent on the destruction of small cities getting larger as you go constantly being troubled by the military. No, the good kind. All of these ideas just came out of my brain and it was pretty cool. I tried some new stuff I have never done before and I must say it came out pretty good. I am very excited. You can be proud of me too when you hear it later this summer. It's gonna be on iTunes and I'm shamelessly plugging my creative endeavors right now. I use the name attacks the darkness by the way. Yay for me. The internet is one of my favorite non tangible things that is so very important to me. It's right up there with air and the need to swear. that fucking rhymed. I once had a pet grizzly bear named opus and he used to shoot a bazooka at clowns in guam. I had to let him go since being at my house so far from guam and not killing clowns at a rate that could only be described as FANTASTICAL(in all caps on purpose for impact) was making him sad, so I had to let him go to be himself. It's like the saying goes, if you love something set it free, if it doesn't write you because it's too busy "living it's dream" then they're a prick and it's okay to hope they stub their toe.


Part 2: Back from the grave the man with no purgatory license dog walking POWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many years ago there was a place where a man could go and find himself a place where he knew he belonged. Those days are long gone and behind us now. We need to think about the future and where it's taking us. By the way, in case you didn't know, the future is an actual living sentient being with the knowledge of itself. It's the only living thing that can do that. It can actually predict everything it is going to do with 100% accuracy. And because of this it has the power to drag us along with it on this crazy journey known as existence in a universe that is most likely kept in an old coffee can on god's shelf in his garage that he used to keep extra nails in before he made all of what we do and do not know because of a bet he lost in a bar when he was trying to look cool to pick up this chick he wanted to bang and has now completely forgotten about us. So, now we have to endure everything that is coming at us without any way to prepare for it, all the while the future is sitting back with a smug look on its face just loving every god damned minute of our lives. What a jerk. Fuck you future. That's right, you heard me, I said it. Fuck you future. Fuck you and the smarmy train you took from asshole-ville to get here.

cheese of the devil type not in my fridge

I think if those aboriginal tribes are right and a picture steals a small part of your soul then I would be dead by now. Or maybe this is how it feels to have no soul, with the whole emptiness inside thing. Weird? But, that still does not answer the question. How many abidiginals do you see modeling? Hmm, I wonder? Oh well, I still have to figure out how many chickens you can count before your eggs hatch and you get across the road. And I don't even eat eggs, so that is gonna be hard. Dang. Maybe I should move on to others proverbs more friendly to my lifestyle. Like how does the raven fly? As the bee or a lower case i? I enjoy side projects. They sometimes are more interesting than the original side. A side of bacon? No thanks, I don't eat meat. But, I would love a side of fruit. Oh, you only have grapes? That's okay. Why is it that every fucking Denny's only has grapes no matter what time of year it is? Why can't they just put on the menu "Side of Grapes" instead of "Fruit?" That will just make it easier and there will be no more disappointment when you are thinking you are getting a whole bunch of fruit when you are in fact only going to get a side of grapes. This way you'll know that it's just grapes you're getting and you'll be okay with that since that is what you read on the menu. Is it that fucking hard? Dang nab it. It's not like the cooks are trying to fight off zombies while they're in there. Or are they? Man, could you believe it if they were? Holy shit I'm full of questions. If they were then we as a people owe them an immense debt of gratitude. For they are the front line on an impossible battlefield made from movies and LSD trips. Thanks god. You're always there watching and not intervening just like anybody else could do. Nice. If you had two extra hands could you have birds worth more than two in a bush? If you want your reputation to be spotless then don't fuck people besides your husband. Just do it and not care what other people think if that is how you wanna live your life. You are a grown ass adult after all. I find it funny how many people I know can't seem to live their lives as they see fit without approval from others even though they are fully grown and formed human beings now with brains they know how to use. Like their parents can't know they smoke cigarettes. If you are that ashamed of them finding out maybe it is something you shouldn't be doing in the first place? Or maybe you should just be an adult and smoke if you feel like it? Or thirdly, you could be really mad at me for butting in with my opinion of your life? Don't worry, the only reason these thoughts come to my head are because of the emotion in my heart known as love I have for you. So, you can't get mad asshole. Hahahahaha!!!!! I made a personal reference that no one, but three people are gonna get in a blog I publish on the internet!!!!!!! Good for me. Maybe I should just ride the bus and make out with my imaginary girlfriend freaking out complete strangers and then when they ask me what's going on I'll tell them to mind their own business you fucking sick fucking bastard. Ha ha, I can't tell you're probably adopted because you're butting into others personal and private intimacies since you were never able to form appropriate relationships as a child growing up bouncing from foster home to foster home because you are such a horrid human being and no one could never want to raise you. Yeah for long insulting sentences pointed at no one in particular especially anyone actually reading this blog. Well, I don't know where this was suppose to go, but it went somewhere. Stay classy...planet earth.

fo shizzle...

I'm pretty sure I'm psychic. I guessed the release of my laundry. That makes me better than four fifths of all of the magic dwarves out to get humanity. Yay for me. You think I've got issues? Talk to the dwarves bent on the domination of the human race. They've got some serious problems. I recently made some better song title choices and I am proud of myself. Some people will laugh at the idea of what they say. Some of that laughter will come from confusion and thought of the pure absurdity of what I titled one of my songs and the rest of that laughter will come from the people who are aware of what I'm referring to. Which I've noticed lately doesn't happen that often. So, if you are one of the few be proud and know that you are either smart or just as screwed up as me to get one of the many references I make to this here popular culture. I just made one, did you notice?!?!? Just kidding, I'd have to be KD Lang to do that so quickly. Once I watched Flash Gordon at three am and it was good. Anything involving Queen at that hour must be good. I am excited about stuff and am not sure if I should be, but fuck it, you only live once and only get one chance on this earth to fuck up perfectly great relationships by committing acts of atrocity. Man, all of my friends are gonna question what the hell is going on with me when they read this shit. I always assure them that I just am streaming words out of my brain when I write these things. I just go with what is in my brain and it comes out my hands. I don't think about what I am typing, I just let my soul do the talking. It's almost as if I'm going soul-o. There! That was one, did you notice that one? Maybe one day we'll all have a robot friend and they'll be able to have all of our relationships for us and we won't have to worry about judgment or touching skin. Won't that be sweet? When one day technology hasn't gotten to the point that we no longer have to have meaningful real contact with others and we can just go about our electronic lives in peace. Since those are so much better than anything else we could possibly do in our little organic existences. One day I will make glasses that allow you to see the world as you wish. Be it as a cartoon or with just a little less garlic. A vampire might wear them, you never know. That's why I keep my can of holy water in the fridge all the time and have since 1996. Vampires might come and want to do the thing they do that is not good for human living. I got it on a plane coming from France, so you know it's for real. French mineral water is holy, that's why they don't get fat or die from liver disease. It's that or they just don't give a shit. Who wants to vote for a new president? Neh, fuck it, I am too busy giving a cigarette to a baby. Life is ennui. God, I love the french. They get me and I heart their bread. Oh, to live in the south of france swimming in an ocean of warmth stalking Johnny Depp. One day I will make my dreams come true and then the world should beware for that day is nigh!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, that sounded all prophetic and biblical and shit. Good for me. I just made a list and only checked it once. Take that Santa Claus or as I like to call you Santa figment of the imaginations of mislead youth soon to jaded to the real world due to lies of myth and farce Claus beeeeeotch! On that note I will leave you with a sentence. I have a dog named Dougie and he likes to eat his poop, if only I could get away with that.

fucking shit fuck fuck

So, here I am sitting listening to mind bending tunes and I'm supposed to be all one with myself and figure "it" out. Bullshit. Like I was told earlier today, life is an illusion. All that is around me now is nothing and worthless and all that matters is my actions and my thoughts. Those are what is going to take me into the next life. It's true. It's like the time I told that ogre, he better put down that d20 before he hurts somebody. Is it just me or do you really love the lamp? Are you just saying that because it's here. I can hear what you are thinking and I don't appreciate it. Why didn't anyone tell me? WHat the fuck? This is exactly like the time those people did that stuff and I wasn't involved and now I'm talking about this to the internet and it sounds all weird and can be taken all the wrong ways by so many. "Fucking shit my god man" is what he would say. Those are the last words I am gonna hear before I die. That's what god is gonna say to me. That will be the point when I finally figure out that what I had thought was it was completely wrong to begin with and I am way off. That is at least hopefully what I will hear. I fear the day I figure out the meaning of life and existence. I wouldn't any reason to live anymore. It's about the journey, not the answer. Hopefully I and the rest of mankind will never figure it out. That way we can all grow consistently and never stop thinking of different angles and always see it from somewhere else. Wow, I am getting all philosophical and shit. This is pretty weird coming from someone who has a chicken on his head and is trying to memorize the periodic table of the elements while typing a blog. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I need to start drinking less and meditating more? Or maybe use drinking as a form of meditation? Or just get it over with and become a woman? Who knows what the answer really is? No, seriously, who knows what the answer really is? I wanna find them and challenge them to a game of dodgeball where we each have robots on our teams and we dodgeball fight to the DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be an amazing sight. Watching me and a team of robots fight a puppy and its team of robot puppies. Dang, that would be cooler than watching a bunch of cops re-enact a crime on a street corner causing a traffic problem because it's very police-like. Or maybe I just need more beer. Yes, of course, first it's business, then the whores. Everyone knows that. Even canadian sketch comics. Fuck. I think I need to find me a good book and fall asleep on it, later claiming that I read it and hope that osmosis got me enough of what happened I can fake it and no one will notice except hardcore fans of the book. Who I will most likely never meet. Hopefully. Then my reign as regular average guy who appears as a super genius to those around him will continue. Oh, the day when I can finally meet a bird and speak with it of the days before man ruined this place with things like greenhouse gases and ben affleck movies. Especially ones with J-lo in them. What were you thinking for fucks sake? Even I knew that was a bad move. Anyways, satan is really misunderstood. He seems like a great guy to me, but every now and again he messes up. It happens. Not everybody gets all of the breaks that some others do. Some people have it tougher. Think about it, if you were in that situation and were there wouldn't you try to overthrow god and become the supreme ruler of all of creation? Really, come on? Think about it.

like a zombie back for seconds...

Sometimes I think to myself "how am I gonna (fill in the blank)?" Then I realize it. Eating balloons and making paper animals to put in odd sexual positions. It always makes me feel better to make something. I suggest it. The next time you are feeling down just make something, whether it be a hat, a cat, a bat, or a 6 4 impala. All that matters is that you remember that you are alive and thinking right then. Afterwards I like to go outside with my guns and just hold them. I go out in my backyard with my array of weaponry and pretend and wish I had a big group of zombies attacking my house. Then I could just perch up on my roof and blast away. Oh how I would love to be covered in zombie blood from the splatter of a shotgun shell ripping its head clean off. Maybe then I'll find that zen place I have been looking for all my life. Then I will be able to live at peace with the earth after killing off a bunch of its undead inhabitants. Don't forget kids killing is wrong unless it's for money, sex, or survival. And I mean survival as in living on the hardcore streets just trying to get by selling crack and making the run for it. Man, I know how that is. Every day I wake up and think to myself "How am I gonna make it through this one?" Then I realize I live in fucking suburbia and have virtually nothing to worry about. The only times I come in contact with police is when I get a ticket for my license plate lights being out or for being the guy who drove by when the cop is bored and hasn't reached his quota. I hate that one.
If I had a hammer I don't think I'd hammer in the morning. I think it would be pretty loud and most people would complain. Especially in an apartment complex. Can you imagine all the people living for kicking your ass instead of for the world? Ooh hoo. That would be nuts. Pretty soon I'm hoping to try and learn another language by subliminal messaging. I'm gonna put a speaker under my pillow and put a language program on my ipod and just let it repeat all night long. I think it may work and would be worth the twenty bucks the speaker will cost. Once I saw a monkey and that monkey saw me. It looked me square in the eye, pooped in its hand, threw it at me, and hit me in the shoe. I cried. I was eight. Fuck you for judging me. Lately I have been lacking on creating music. I have been trying to make other things. Like mini movies or a brain simulator that runs on intuition and cheese. But, I have been feeling the inspiration once again and will soon be finishing up my album. Yay for me. Once it's done I'm sure you'll hear about it. I don't really plan on letting many living souls not know about it. Hopefully people might even buy it. That would be weird, freaky, and amazing all at the same time. Maybe even a little titillating. I actually just wanted to type that word. Hehehe, poopy. I love the english language.

something...

I love a good depressing song. The kind that make you re-evaluate your life and wish you had done so much by now. Is it depressing that I think I may actually enjoy being depressed? It seems like my brain just kinda works that way and that's the way it's always been. If that's how I'm wired then I guess that's the way it is. It's very strange to be depressed and enjoy it, but because one is depressed there is the desire to do something about it. Maybe I'm totally crazy, but still sane enough to see it through the window. Or maybe I should just get the fuck over it. I do know I need a change and that it's time to fix some things that are definitely in need of it. There are somethings that I definitely don't enjoy anymore and need to do something about them. Or else I may really go crazy and not be able to see it coming anymore. I refuse to get lost in my own brain.

listening to inspiration

It's always wonderful when I can sit and listen to a record and really enjoy it and take away from it a new found love of music. It is the center of everything I do and feel. I am so glad for my ears and brain. Listening to good music is the ultimate high. Even though there are a few others that rank right up there for sure. I wish I could sing like a robot. But alas god did not make me that way. I will take what I was given and use it to make my world beautiful.
I sit and wonder
Thinking of when and why
Not knowing how or when
and not really caring
To find out would ruin the game
The path before me is the answers I seek
Going along gives me reason to continue
this journey inside of and before me
that will shape and sustain me
If only I could never stop

Listening to Ween

I'm sitting here wondering if something I've been thinking about has been the wrong thought all along. I mean I used to have this thought that seemed right, but today it seemed wrong. But, it's okay since the original thought was most likely wrong to begin with, so if I was wrong about it then this must be right. I think. But, I'm still kinda bummed out about thinking the thought was wrong. Since it was a pretty sweet thought to begin with. I think though that overall I am still gonna think this thought, wrong as it may seem since it really seems pretty right to me, and just go on as I was before. This seems like the most appropiate course of action. I think. Oh well, I'm just gonna listen to this Ween cd I got and think about how I need to do drugs soon and I don't mean smoke pot, that's shit that I can do anytime I feel like. I mean I need to take some pschyadelic shit like mushrooms or something and expand my mind a little bit. I kinda need it. Haven't done it in awhile and I think it goes hand in hand with my new year's resolution to "grow" as a human being. It should help. Also, it will make for fun music making. I am writing an album, but I already have plans for some EP's I wanna relase afterwards. Some cool experimental shit. The kind of stuff that makes you think "did that chicken just steal my SD card?" And "why am I holding the fruit of a dead tree for so long?" I guess it will just have to wait for now.

too many things to think about

Music spins my life. I live in a place where I should be happy, but I'm not. I think that I should move away, but I'm not sure if that's the right idea. Maybe I just need to get out of where I'm staying at. A change of living quarters, not a change of location may be all I need. I have so many friends here and this place is so wonderful that I feel a connection and I don't think I should sever that just yet. If I moved away it's not like I would lose all of my friends, I just wouldn't see them as much as I do now and that would definitely be a sad thing. Where I would go I would not be alone, but it would definitely be different. I'll be getting a test drive of it soon since I am going on a mini vacation. It should definitely help. Then maybe I can get a handle on what it is that I want to do. So, how's things with you?

a simple ranting...

I've never thought to myself that I might vote republican, but after tonight I have to change that. My friend brought up some good points. Sure, I was drunk and agreed with him, but still it says something. I guess I am growing, which is of course my idea for this year. I mean to try and grow and be a better human being. It should be fun to see how it works out. Robots one day will rule us humans like kings of a battery factory. I went to a bar tonight and my friend got drunk and embarrassed himself. It was a great pleasure to see him do it. Good times. I also saw a girl whom I think to be attractive and I'm gonna tell her next time I see her. That is probably one of the most personal things I have ever put on her period. Good for me. Now it's time to make cats dance while they grind wheat for my bread. Yippee! Enjoy yourselves and keep it real my friends.

two times I thought about writing to Jesus

sitting here just having thoughts about robots and music and their relationship. I wanna see a movie based on that. A documentary style film seriously accounting the ability of robots to make beautiful music. Computers do so much these days I figure why not be able to make original musical compositions. Something I believe is that in my lifetime two things will happen. The death of the internal combustion engine and the creation of artificial intelligence. These two things will mark the beginning of the next step in the path we humans are on, evolutionarily speaking. Most people don't think about this stuff, but some do. They are called quantum physicists or "wackos." Maybe someday they'll be quantum wackos. What a beautiful world that will be. Freeze me and thaw me out when that happens.

my brain is out to get me.

Lately when I drink the alcohol I black out and don't remember a thing the next day. I end up getting these phone calls from people asking if I'm alright and I say I'm fine. They are always surprised. I ask them why and they begin to tell me of all of the things that I said and did the night before. Starting fights, crushing cans on my face, falling into puddles of water face first, screaming at people, and shoving my face in one of my friends crotch. I am usually shocked by most of what I'm told. It's an odd feeling, though. It seems like when I black out my sub-conscious takes over and makes me do these things. I'm not sure how to describe it really. Other than that I think my brain is out to get me. It is very disconserting to be afraid of one's own mind. I'm not sure what it will make me do next. I have this feeling of me and my brain slowly serparating. Is this what it's like to go insane? I know that sounds a little dramatic, but if I'm going insane wouldn't I be entitled to a little over-acting? I'm not sure what to do about it. As time goes by I feel as if I'm slipping more and more into where ever my brain is taking me and I'm not sure if I want to go there or not. Very weird.

staring at walls is fun!

Sometimes I can just lay in my bed or on a couch for what feels like hours and just stare at the wall or ceiling. I don't even need any chemical or herbal persuasion to put me in the mood to do it. I like it. I look at the textures on the wall and start to see things in them. I just let my imagination run wild, which isn't hard for since it is usually going about a million miles a minute anyway. Most of the time I see faces of monsters or dead things, like bunnies. AS I look at the wall I'll stare and then let the things come and go. I will move my eyes around to see what pops out at me. I've always been able to do this ever since I was little. It is a way I have kept my imagination as active as it is today. For a short time I wasn't able to do it. It was one of the scariest parts of my life. This was the only time it had ever happened. I felt like something was very wrong with me. I thought I was going insane since I couldn't see death and demons looking back at me in my ceiling.

just some thoughts

I've been writing a lot of music lately. To be perfectly honest, I think it's the best stuff I've ever written. I'm very happy with how it is all coming along. I think I can actually sell the stuff and do pretty well. Should be interesting to see how it all works out. But, I do have a problem. I have had this idea to write a song lately. I want it to be really good, so I'm taking my time with it. But, I'm having trouble, it feels like I have nothing to say. I know what I want to talk about in the song, but it's just not coming out. Does that mean it's not that important to write about? I have strong feelings about something I want to express, but it just isn't happening. It's weird. The main part of my problem is the words. I wanna sing on this song even though I have no singing ability what so ever. The words just aren't coming to me yet. It's weird. I wrote a song a long time ago about this same kind of feeling and it came out good. I want this song to be better, but it just isn't working. It makes me think I can't trust my feelings. The first time the words just came to me. Now, there is nothing. I'm not really sure about what to say and how to say it. I think this is why I went into making instrumental music. Oh well, I'll just keep thinking about it and it will come when I'm ready for it I guess. Until then I'll just keep triggering loops and samples over programmed drums.

a video I made

I made this video a little while ago for one of my songs. Check it out. Hope you enjoy it.




There's Something Beeping in My Skull-aTTACKS tHE dARKNESS

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