brain tired, must sleep

I just finished setting up all of the tracks of my solo record for mixing. Now they are ready to be mixed, which hopefully should not take long. I am very excited about this moment. For a time it seemed like it would never come, but now it is here and I am so happy I will do the dance of joy! Just kidding, I will dance later when my brain is not so tired from working and thinking. I decided to keep going with this whole "human being" thing to try and make a simple life for myself. Never did I ever expect to be keeping track of which synth is plugged into which auxiliary input. AAHHH! I knew I should have become a grizzly bear in the wilds of Alaska when that guy gave me the chance. He won't be back around to this part of the galaxy until well after I'm dead. Maybe I should have taken the immortal ball of gas option instead? Oh well, I've got my towel and am ready to travel the universe, no matter what it may throw at me from the mind of Douglas Adams. I've read up and am prepared for whatever comes my way. Unless it involves a drain clogged with hair. That's gross. Or the sound of cardboard rubbing against cardboard. That kills me every time. Ew, gross. Maybe one day I will get around to writing that song.


Two men enter...One man leaves crying for mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It was two o'clock in the morning. That's AM to you abbreviation folk. It was cloudy and hazy with dust in the air all at the same time. That's when HE walked up to me. The man who knew too much and nothing at all. The man who saw it all from the beginning and has already seen the end. He told me, it sucks. Totally leaves it open for a sequel. The man I speak of, is none other than someone who's name currently escapes me. Man, doesn't that suck? When you get all tired from working all day and then trying to use your brain for artistic purposes. Then you start thinking to yourself "what am I doing with this waffle iron?" and "why am I still writing this?" I promise the next one will be more interesting for any of you who may read this. Sorry.

waiting for lightning to strike

I have been thinking so much lately. I think I need a break. I am very happy to announce that I have finished the writing of my first debut full length record. Applause and salutations may begin........ now. Thank you, you are too kind. I am very happy about how it all has come out. Now, I am on to mixing it, which shouldn't take too long. Then I can put it up on iTunes for the whole world to have. I am very excited about how it came out. I am even a little surprised myself, actually. I am very pleased with the final results. Once I mix and master it I will have what I believe to be a fantastic work. It seems like only a year ago I started this whole thing. Wait a minute, it was. It is hard to believe it, but it really has been in the works that long. Once it is fully complete and for sale I will most definitely have to celebrate. Hopefully that moment will coincide with my moving into a new home with a fabulous roommate. I can only shudder at the shear magnitude of the celebrations that will occur. My goodness. It will be like the time I never went to mexico to watch a dog eat a pig. Man, that never happened. Surely one of the greatest moments of my life. Instead of hoping for the future I am going to hope for the past. Hope that others remember it as wonderful as I do. I can only hope I guess. With historians as they are who knows how our world will be remembered. Will it be as we all dream ourselves to be, the way others see us, or they way we really are? I hope for the way we all can possibly turn out to be. That way seems to be the best. Maybe I should stop using hope and move on to more practical ways of using my brain. Like for believing everything I am told by masses of others doing the same. That seems to work out for those other blissfully ignorant folk. Well, appearances can't be everything. Let's hope for rain, so when we get the sun it is delightfully accepted and the dark skies can be missed. Maybe we need a big hug so as to make the world's largest brown bear sandwich. One full of ostrich feathers and jello. May-haps I can get a maiden for a fortnight to share the evenings of yesteryear with. Or maybe I can use the internet to get what my name would be if I was an alien. That seems like a much better use of my time. Fuck world peace and total understanding of the human condition. Let's look at kittens in coffee cups. To know thyself is to know thy is no longer used in the common vernacular. So, you'll have to update the language to get the message out to these crazy kids called "the future of mankind and leaders of the next generation." All I have to say is holy shit are we in trouble if certain people get into power. Mainly I am talking about those guys who make paper hats out their own pants. I mean, that's not even paper to begin with. How the fuck do they do that? There has got to be some trick to it. One day I will figure it out and spread the word of holy glory to the masses. "Then a man of light led his children to freedom on the head of a bloody spear." I'll leave you with that horribly misquoted text from television.

vegan ice cream I love you

So, today I was extremely creative and almost finished my new record. I am very proud of myself. It was as if I was on a music creation rampage and not the kind that turns you into a raging mutant bent on the destruction of small cities getting larger as you go constantly being troubled by the military. No, the good kind. All of these ideas just came out of my brain and it was pretty cool. I tried some new stuff I have never done before and I must say it came out pretty good. I am very excited. You can be proud of me too when you hear it later this summer. It's gonna be on iTunes and I'm shamelessly plugging my creative endeavors right now. I use the name attacks the darkness by the way. Yay for me. The internet is one of my favorite non tangible things that is so very important to me. It's right up there with air and the need to swear. that fucking rhymed. I once had a pet grizzly bear named opus and he used to shoot a bazooka at clowns in guam. I had to let him go since being at my house so far from guam and not killing clowns at a rate that could only be described as FANTASTICAL(in all caps on purpose for impact) was making him sad, so I had to let him go to be himself. It's like the saying goes, if you love something set it free, if it doesn't write you because it's too busy "living it's dream" then they're a prick and it's okay to hope they stub their toe.


Part 2: Back from the grave the man with no purgatory license dog walking POWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many years ago there was a place where a man could go and find himself a place where he knew he belonged. Those days are long gone and behind us now. We need to think about the future and where it's taking us. By the way, in case you didn't know, the future is an actual living sentient being with the knowledge of itself. It's the only living thing that can do that. It can actually predict everything it is going to do with 100% accuracy. And because of this it has the power to drag us along with it on this crazy journey known as existence in a universe that is most likely kept in an old coffee can on god's shelf in his garage that he used to keep extra nails in before he made all of what we do and do not know because of a bet he lost in a bar when he was trying to look cool to pick up this chick he wanted to bang and has now completely forgotten about us. So, now we have to endure everything that is coming at us without any way to prepare for it, all the while the future is sitting back with a smug look on its face just loving every god damned minute of our lives. What a jerk. Fuck you future. That's right, you heard me, I said it. Fuck you future. Fuck you and the smarmy train you took from asshole-ville to get here.

cheese of the devil type not in my fridge

I think if those aboriginal tribes are right and a picture steals a small part of your soul then I would be dead by now. Or maybe this is how it feels to have no soul, with the whole emptiness inside thing. Weird? But, that still does not answer the question. How many abidiginals do you see modeling? Hmm, I wonder? Oh well, I still have to figure out how many chickens you can count before your eggs hatch and you get across the road. And I don't even eat eggs, so that is gonna be hard. Dang. Maybe I should move on to others proverbs more friendly to my lifestyle. Like how does the raven fly? As the bee or a lower case i? I enjoy side projects. They sometimes are more interesting than the original side. A side of bacon? No thanks, I don't eat meat. But, I would love a side of fruit. Oh, you only have grapes? That's okay. Why is it that every fucking Denny's only has grapes no matter what time of year it is? Why can't they just put on the menu "Side of Grapes" instead of "Fruit?" That will just make it easier and there will be no more disappointment when you are thinking you are getting a whole bunch of fruit when you are in fact only going to get a side of grapes. This way you'll know that it's just grapes you're getting and you'll be okay with that since that is what you read on the menu. Is it that fucking hard? Dang nab it. It's not like the cooks are trying to fight off zombies while they're in there. Or are they? Man, could you believe it if they were? Holy shit I'm full of questions. If they were then we as a people owe them an immense debt of gratitude. For they are the front line on an impossible battlefield made from movies and LSD trips. Thanks god. You're always there watching and not intervening just like anybody else could do. Nice. If you had two extra hands could you have birds worth more than two in a bush? If you want your reputation to be spotless then don't fuck people besides your husband. Just do it and not care what other people think if that is how you wanna live your life. You are a grown ass adult after all. I find it funny how many people I know can't seem to live their lives as they see fit without approval from others even though they are fully grown and formed human beings now with brains they know how to use. Like their parents can't know they smoke cigarettes. If you are that ashamed of them finding out maybe it is something you shouldn't be doing in the first place? Or maybe you should just be an adult and smoke if you feel like it? Or thirdly, you could be really mad at me for butting in with my opinion of your life? Don't worry, the only reason these thoughts come to my head are because of the emotion in my heart known as love I have for you. So, you can't get mad asshole. Hahahahaha!!!!! I made a personal reference that no one, but three people are gonna get in a blog I publish on the internet!!!!!!! Good for me. Maybe I should just ride the bus and make out with my imaginary girlfriend freaking out complete strangers and then when they ask me what's going on I'll tell them to mind their own business you fucking sick fucking bastard. Ha ha, I can't tell you're probably adopted because you're butting into others personal and private intimacies since you were never able to form appropriate relationships as a child growing up bouncing from foster home to foster home because you are such a horrid human being and no one could never want to raise you. Yeah for long insulting sentences pointed at no one in particular especially anyone actually reading this blog. Well, I don't know where this was suppose to go, but it went somewhere. Stay classy...planet earth.

fo shizzle...

I'm pretty sure I'm psychic. I guessed the release of my laundry. That makes me better than four fifths of all of the magic dwarves out to get humanity. Yay for me. You think I've got issues? Talk to the dwarves bent on the domination of the human race. They've got some serious problems. I recently made some better song title choices and I am proud of myself. Some people will laugh at the idea of what they say. Some of that laughter will come from confusion and thought of the pure absurdity of what I titled one of my songs and the rest of that laughter will come from the people who are aware of what I'm referring to. Which I've noticed lately doesn't happen that often. So, if you are one of the few be proud and know that you are either smart or just as screwed up as me to get one of the many references I make to this here popular culture. I just made one, did you notice?!?!? Just kidding, I'd have to be KD Lang to do that so quickly. Once I watched Flash Gordon at three am and it was good. Anything involving Queen at that hour must be good. I am excited about stuff and am not sure if I should be, but fuck it, you only live once and only get one chance on this earth to fuck up perfectly great relationships by committing acts of atrocity. Man, all of my friends are gonna question what the hell is going on with me when they read this shit. I always assure them that I just am streaming words out of my brain when I write these things. I just go with what is in my brain and it comes out my hands. I don't think about what I am typing, I just let my soul do the talking. It's almost as if I'm going soul-o. There! That was one, did you notice that one? Maybe one day we'll all have a robot friend and they'll be able to have all of our relationships for us and we won't have to worry about judgment or touching skin. Won't that be sweet? When one day technology hasn't gotten to the point that we no longer have to have meaningful real contact with others and we can just go about our electronic lives in peace. Since those are so much better than anything else we could possibly do in our little organic existences. One day I will make glasses that allow you to see the world as you wish. Be it as a cartoon or with just a little less garlic. A vampire might wear them, you never know. That's why I keep my can of holy water in the fridge all the time and have since 1996. Vampires might come and want to do the thing they do that is not good for human living. I got it on a plane coming from France, so you know it's for real. French mineral water is holy, that's why they don't get fat or die from liver disease. It's that or they just don't give a shit. Who wants to vote for a new president? Neh, fuck it, I am too busy giving a cigarette to a baby. Life is ennui. God, I love the french. They get me and I heart their bread. Oh, to live in the south of france swimming in an ocean of warmth stalking Johnny Depp. One day I will make my dreams come true and then the world should beware for that day is nigh!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, that sounded all prophetic and biblical and shit. Good for me. I just made a list and only checked it once. Take that Santa Claus or as I like to call you Santa figment of the imaginations of mislead youth soon to jaded to the real world due to lies of myth and farce Claus beeeeeotch! On that note I will leave you with a sentence. I have a dog named Dougie and he likes to eat his poop, if only I could get away with that.

fucking shit fuck fuck

So, here I am sitting listening to mind bending tunes and I'm supposed to be all one with myself and figure "it" out. Bullshit. Like I was told earlier today, life is an illusion. All that is around me now is nothing and worthless and all that matters is my actions and my thoughts. Those are what is going to take me into the next life. It's true. It's like the time I told that ogre, he better put down that d20 before he hurts somebody. Is it just me or do you really love the lamp? Are you just saying that because it's here. I can hear what you are thinking and I don't appreciate it. Why didn't anyone tell me? WHat the fuck? This is exactly like the time those people did that stuff and I wasn't involved and now I'm talking about this to the internet and it sounds all weird and can be taken all the wrong ways by so many. "Fucking shit my god man" is what he would say. Those are the last words I am gonna hear before I die. That's what god is gonna say to me. That will be the point when I finally figure out that what I had thought was it was completely wrong to begin with and I am way off. That is at least hopefully what I will hear. I fear the day I figure out the meaning of life and existence. I wouldn't any reason to live anymore. It's about the journey, not the answer. Hopefully I and the rest of mankind will never figure it out. That way we can all grow consistently and never stop thinking of different angles and always see it from somewhere else. Wow, I am getting all philosophical and shit. This is pretty weird coming from someone who has a chicken on his head and is trying to memorize the periodic table of the elements while typing a blog. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I need to start drinking less and meditating more? Or maybe use drinking as a form of meditation? Or just get it over with and become a woman? Who knows what the answer really is? No, seriously, who knows what the answer really is? I wanna find them and challenge them to a game of dodgeball where we each have robots on our teams and we dodgeball fight to the DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be an amazing sight. Watching me and a team of robots fight a puppy and its team of robot puppies. Dang, that would be cooler than watching a bunch of cops re-enact a crime on a street corner causing a traffic problem because it's very police-like. Or maybe I just need more beer. Yes, of course, first it's business, then the whores. Everyone knows that. Even canadian sketch comics. Fuck. I think I need to find me a good book and fall asleep on it, later claiming that I read it and hope that osmosis got me enough of what happened I can fake it and no one will notice except hardcore fans of the book. Who I will most likely never meet. Hopefully. Then my reign as regular average guy who appears as a super genius to those around him will continue. Oh, the day when I can finally meet a bird and speak with it of the days before man ruined this place with things like greenhouse gases and ben affleck movies. Especially ones with J-lo in them. What were you thinking for fucks sake? Even I knew that was a bad move. Anyways, satan is really misunderstood. He seems like a great guy to me, but every now and again he messes up. It happens. Not everybody gets all of the breaks that some others do. Some people have it tougher. Think about it, if you were in that situation and were there wouldn't you try to overthrow god and become the supreme ruler of all of creation? Really, come on? Think about it.

like a zombie back for seconds...

Sometimes I think to myself "how am I gonna (fill in the blank)?" Then I realize it. Eating balloons and making paper animals to put in odd sexual positions. It always makes me feel better to make something. I suggest it. The next time you are feeling down just make something, whether it be a hat, a cat, a bat, or a 6 4 impala. All that matters is that you remember that you are alive and thinking right then. Afterwards I like to go outside with my guns and just hold them. I go out in my backyard with my array of weaponry and pretend and wish I had a big group of zombies attacking my house. Then I could just perch up on my roof and blast away. Oh how I would love to be covered in zombie blood from the splatter of a shotgun shell ripping its head clean off. Maybe then I'll find that zen place I have been looking for all my life. Then I will be able to live at peace with the earth after killing off a bunch of its undead inhabitants. Don't forget kids killing is wrong unless it's for money, sex, or survival. And I mean survival as in living on the hardcore streets just trying to get by selling crack and making the run for it. Man, I know how that is. Every day I wake up and think to myself "How am I gonna make it through this one?" Then I realize I live in fucking suburbia and have virtually nothing to worry about. The only times I come in contact with police is when I get a ticket for my license plate lights being out or for being the guy who drove by when the cop is bored and hasn't reached his quota. I hate that one.
If I had a hammer I don't think I'd hammer in the morning. I think it would be pretty loud and most people would complain. Especially in an apartment complex. Can you imagine all the people living for kicking your ass instead of for the world? Ooh hoo. That would be nuts. Pretty soon I'm hoping to try and learn another language by subliminal messaging. I'm gonna put a speaker under my pillow and put a language program on my ipod and just let it repeat all night long. I think it may work and would be worth the twenty bucks the speaker will cost. Once I saw a monkey and that monkey saw me. It looked me square in the eye, pooped in its hand, threw it at me, and hit me in the shoe. I cried. I was eight. Fuck you for judging me. Lately I have been lacking on creating music. I have been trying to make other things. Like mini movies or a brain simulator that runs on intuition and cheese. But, I have been feeling the inspiration once again and will soon be finishing up my album. Yay for me. Once it's done I'm sure you'll hear about it. I don't really plan on letting many living souls not know about it. Hopefully people might even buy it. That would be weird, freaky, and amazing all at the same time. Maybe even a little titillating. I actually just wanted to type that word. Hehehe, poopy. I love the english language.