my brain is out to get me.

Lately when I drink the alcohol I black out and don't remember a thing the next day. I end up getting these phone calls from people asking if I'm alright and I say I'm fine. They are always surprised. I ask them why and they begin to tell me of all of the things that I said and did the night before. Starting fights, crushing cans on my face, falling into puddles of water face first, screaming at people, and shoving my face in one of my friends crotch. I am usually shocked by most of what I'm told. It's an odd feeling, though. It seems like when I black out my sub-conscious takes over and makes me do these things. I'm not sure how to describe it really. Other than that I think my brain is out to get me. It is very disconserting to be afraid of one's own mind. I'm not sure what it will make me do next. I have this feeling of me and my brain slowly serparating. Is this what it's like to go insane? I know that sounds a little dramatic, but if I'm going insane wouldn't I be entitled to a little over-acting? I'm not sure what to do about it. As time goes by I feel as if I'm slipping more and more into where ever my brain is taking me and I'm not sure if I want to go there or not. Very weird.

staring at walls is fun!

Sometimes I can just lay in my bed or on a couch for what feels like hours and just stare at the wall or ceiling. I don't even need any chemical or herbal persuasion to put me in the mood to do it. I like it. I look at the textures on the wall and start to see things in them. I just let my imagination run wild, which isn't hard for since it is usually going about a million miles a minute anyway. Most of the time I see faces of monsters or dead things, like bunnies. AS I look at the wall I'll stare and then let the things come and go. I will move my eyes around to see what pops out at me. I've always been able to do this ever since I was little. It is a way I have kept my imagination as active as it is today. For a short time I wasn't able to do it. It was one of the scariest parts of my life. This was the only time it had ever happened. I felt like something was very wrong with me. I thought I was going insane since I couldn't see death and demons looking back at me in my ceiling.

just some thoughts

I've been writing a lot of music lately. To be perfectly honest, I think it's the best stuff I've ever written. I'm very happy with how it is all coming along. I think I can actually sell the stuff and do pretty well. Should be interesting to see how it all works out. But, I do have a problem. I have had this idea to write a song lately. I want it to be really good, so I'm taking my time with it. But, I'm having trouble, it feels like I have nothing to say. I know what I want to talk about in the song, but it's just not coming out. Does that mean it's not that important to write about? I have strong feelings about something I want to express, but it just isn't happening. It's weird. The main part of my problem is the words. I wanna sing on this song even though I have no singing ability what so ever. The words just aren't coming to me yet. It's weird. I wrote a song a long time ago about this same kind of feeling and it came out good. I want this song to be better, but it just isn't working. It makes me think I can't trust my feelings. The first time the words just came to me. Now, there is nothing. I'm not really sure about what to say and how to say it. I think this is why I went into making instrumental music. Oh well, I'll just keep thinking about it and it will come when I'm ready for it I guess. Until then I'll just keep triggering loops and samples over programmed drums.

a video I made

I made this video a little while ago for one of my songs. Check it out. Hope you enjoy it.




There's Something Beeping in My Skull-aTTACKS tHE dARKNESS

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